"Cool I'm just gonna take my bag and uhh go". Those are probably the exact words I said to the lady at the baggage drop at Penang international airport
It's not the 31st today, it's the 30th.
The flight is on the 31st. The 31st is tomorrow.
Today is the 30th.
My plan was superb, meticulous, spot on.
My discipline was unmatched - not lying in bed a single moment more. I had done everything right except for one thing - I thought I was going to fly out today.
I got out my phone and did a search for cheap accommodation close to the airport.
There's a reason why people can successfully operate hotels close to the airport and far away from anything awesome. It's probably because suckers like me either can't or don't want to travel all the way to where the cheap places are.
I found a budget hotel with a room costing around x4 what I'd normally pay. Trying to make the most of the situation I realised i had technically jumped the queue for tomorrow! Yay, Silver linings!
I booked a Grab ride from outside the departure area as I was already basically there. The driver, already at the airport drove an entire circuit of the airport loop, making his way from arrivals, through departures and then back to arrivals probably confused as to why someone would go out of their way up to the departure area on the 1st floor in order to leave the airport.
Realising this guy was clearly stumped, I cancelled and booked another one. I kept the conversation to a minimum so that he wouldn't find out how retarded I actually am.
I didn't have a fake story to explain the situation. How do you explain getting picked up at the airport with a baggage tag for tomorrows flight? "So basically in New Zealand we're actually a few hours ahead of Malaysia and I when I left to go to the airport I switched over to New Zealand time. Buzzy aye!". That's probably the best I could muster up.
I already told him I'd been backpacking for 4 1/2 months already and I wasn't too keen on hearing him make a comment regarding how the fuck I'd made it this far.
To be fair I was asking myself the same question.
Singapore here I come.
(FYI if you're flying Air Asia, you need to print off a boarding pass, despite what anyone tells you. I don't care if he speaks Chinese or Malay, don't take the risk, don't stand in line twice)
(Ainur, thanks for your kind support. It's good to know my 'misfortunes' can be of benefit to others. Judge me - I don't care.)
For 10 Days I signed up to live like a monk, dedicating my time to learning the 'Goenka' Vipassana method of meditation.
I had gotten used to the lifestyle after just a few days. In fact I had gotten so used to the sound of the waking-up bell go off in the dark that several times I actually hallucinated/dreamt the morning wake-up bell before rising out of bed, taking a shower, getting dressed and hanging around outside before realising that it was around 01:00am in the morning.
P5 - my room
The food was 100% vegetarian and was served buffet style. I had my own room with ensuite. I had gotten somewhat used to avoiding communication with the 45 or so other people living in close proximity with me. Each day I would go for short walks around the facility and stare at things for ages like a stoner - and it was normal. (In some ways the effects of prolonged silent meditation had mimicked the effect of certain drugs although the comparison would be like as walking is to riding an aeroplane.) I had completely let go any thoughts about my phone and communication with anyone from the outside world. I didn't even want to think about opening up Facebook or checking my emails.Although we were situated in the middle of a palm oil plantation far away from any major town, you could hear the sound of motorbikes and freight trucks passing by the motorway nearby and I would begin to think of what the 'real world' was like beyond those gates.
I had developed this perspective of the outside world as being a cruel, fast moving, immoral place, only concerned about money, with no room for a life of tranquillity. Whatever purity of mind which I had managed to scrape together during these few days was surely going to evaporate the moment I stepped foot in Kuala Lumpur. I began to think of all the people out there living in ignorance; guided by unconscious thought, constantly seeking out pleasure and self gain.
Day 11 felt like graduation day. We all felt so happy and eager to discuss our experiences of the past 10 days. It really did feel like graduation because now I had to to go out into the real world knowing that although I had learned a lot, I still didn't know shit.
When our phones and other devices were returned to us I actually felt sad. For so long this small computer had almost been like an extension of my body. I had gone so long without it and felt free from it's addictive draw.
Upon returning to Kuala Lumpur I went to Mcdonalds for lunch with a fellow meditator. I was eager to see if my taste perception of meat had changed. We both agreed the chicken had a slimy texture to it but weren't sure if that was how chicken had always been or whether it was just a Mcdonalds thing!
One of the perhaps unintended physical changes I noticed was my appetite and what I eat. During the course you are served 2 meals (breakfast and lunch). Dinner consists of a few pieces of fruit. You might think that once I got out that my appetite would suddenly increase to make up the calorie reduction but it perhaps did the opposite. It's only been a week since the course ended and on a number of days I have reduced my meals to 1 or 2 per day. My desire for processed foods has diminished greatly, and my consumption of meat is mostly as a nutritional requirement or due to a lack of alternative options.
Those 10 days had obviously changed my perspective and in turn how I act. I have learned to become more mindful and observant of my thoughts and emotions. It has helped me understand the human condition and as a result allowed me to both recognise my own suffering and that of others to a certain degree. I feel more at peace during any given moment. This is not to say I am now a perfect being, and I realise I have a lot more to learn but I recognise that steps have been taken towards a particular direction. The 10 day retreat was never meant to result in enlightenment but rather give you the opportunity to stop everything and observe yourself properly for once. Whether you continue what you started is the choice that every 'graduate' must make upon re-entry into the outside world. It's a way of life...
For 10 Days I signed up to live like a monk, dedicating my time to learning the 'Goenka' Vipassana method of meditation.
Each night we would assemble in the mini hall for a 1 1/2 hour discourse from Mr Goenka.
Mr Goenka passed away in 2013 but his legacy lives on through his Vipassana course and his dhamma video lectures from the 1970s. All the lectures are available on Youtube. but here's the first one if you were curious.
"You are to keep on working very diligently ... continuously..."
If there's anything which gives off indoctrination camp vibes it's these daily discourses. Anyone unfamiliar with the retreat who just so happened to walk into the room would see a bunch of people sitting on plastic chairs with ID numbers pegged onto the back, watching a video of an old Burmese guy from the 1970's. It's not a cult of personality and the reasoning behind the direct teachings of Mr Goenka I believe keeps things consistent without leaving room for misinterpretation or variation by teachers running the programme. - Similar to the concept of Theravada Buddhism with the sole recognition of the Pali texts.
As helpful and as motivational as they were, I still faced the fact that unless I discovered these things for myself, everything would essentially go in one ear and out the other. ( Funnily enough Mr Goenka actually mentioned this in one of his discourses - I discovered for myself later on that discovering things yourself was the only way to truly know something).
It was day 7 and so far I had been managing to stay afloat. Each day, Mr Goenka would progress onto the next stage of our practice but I had come across a roadblock. I booked an appointment with the head teacher to discuss my issues. What they were exactly is irrelevant but I remember he said that I should remain equanimous, equanimous towards everything.
I had heard this word often - perhaps a dozen times each day. Every session I was told not to feel craving or aversion. You know how someone tells you something over and over again and although you have it stuck in your mind, you never actually follow that advice? This was me.
In my own mind I was not reacting negatively to the discomfort but in practice I still held feelings of aversion. I would be sitting there writhing in agony on the inside while I sat perfectly still.
On day 8 it finally clicked and I realised my own contradictory behaviour. Being mindful applies to every moment, not just when things are going good. The real test of your understanding is when you're undergoing stress and discomfort. I realised I was not impartial at all.
I was getting frustrated at my inability to progress with my meditation practice and keep up. I would spend hours sitting there trying really hard to relax my mind and sharpen my perception. It doesn't matter what you're craving - craving is craving - this behaviour applies to everything and in wanting not to want, I had indeed been wanting. This type of thinking can drive a person into a loop of thought and the only way to break out of this is to simply act...to simply be.(Shout out to Alan Watts and his piece on outwitting the devil)
Stop 'trying' and just be.
If there was one thing that I took away from this retreat it was this. The concept is so simple and can be applied to so many of the difficulties we have in life but we often overlook it due to how simple it is. I'm not new to this idea yet I had never been placed in a situation which would really test my understanding and my ability to apply it in real life.
I realised that the discomfort was always going to be there and that trying to escape it within my mind was only going to prolong my suffering. I didn't try and 'cope' or distract myself but rather I did the opposite - I went 'into' the discomfort and acknowledged it as something which was simply happening.
From this point my perspective on my time here had changed. Rather than being something I 'had' to persevere, I began to see the facility as the perfect environment to detach ourselves from the concerns and responsibilities of the 'outside world'. I realised how conducive this environment was for the peace of mind required for starting a meditation practice. I didn't make a complete 180 degree turn in my opinion of the place. To a certain degree I was still longing for the day we would be released, however my perspective had changed enough for me to perceive these last days as a valuable opportunity which mustn't be squandered.
The last 3 days saw a fresh burst of optimism and curious speculation jump onto the scene. Not only was there the thought of being released but also how and whether I could integrate back into society after staying at an intensive meditation retreat. How would I perceive the outside world after this? Had I lost my social skills? Would my peace of mind disintegrate immediately the moment I stepped foot in Kuala Lumpur?
For 10 Days I signed up to live like a monk, dedicating my time to learning the 'Goenka' Vipassana method of meditation.
Meditation Cells at Dhamma Malaya
"I feel as if I am just coping with trying to keep my head above water. Part of me wishes I never signed up. For some reason I imagine prison to be a more pleasant experience. Every opportunity I get, I go to my room, lie down on the bed and stare at the wall or think about sex"
Those are the words I wrote down on day 4 after the first 'sitting of strong determination'. During these 1 hour sittings which are held 3 times per day you are asked not to change your posture or make any large movements. Attendance is compulsory and when we were told this was to be a regular thing, I didn't quite know how to react.
I could barely handle 20 minutes and now I had to triple that??
(For those who were wondering how I wrote this down - I had a small notebook and pencil which I smuggled in, just in case I experienced a divine revelation. It was only intended for extreme situations)
I managed 30 minutes during my first sitting. I sat there breathing heavily, clenching my muscles in order to cope with what I believe was the most uncomfortable I have ever felt in my life. Every second that passed was one step towards the end but it was like walking along a path blindfolded and not knowing when it was going to end. As I was sitting there I thought about a loved one and imagined that she was in great danger, and that by not moving or opening my eyes I was protecting her.
I know this sounds like a really cheesy coping mechanism but at the time it really felt like I was putting my body on the line in order to save someone else. (Shout out to Joe Rogan for mentioning that one)
At 55 minutes in the chanting started. A wave of tingling sensations shot down my neck and through my spine. This was the end. This was the light at the end of the tunnel.
I went back to my room thinking about how I wasn't even half way through the course. Technically we had just begun what we were here to do and I was already struggling.
A few hours later the gong sounded and we were back in the meditation hall for our final sitting of strong determination session of the day. This time I had vowed to remain sitting in the same posture no matter what. We began. I remember this particular session as being difficult but not as much more than the first one. Again I used my 'self sacrifice' visualisation technique to keep me on track but this time it didn't feel as extreme. Don't get me wrong I was sitting there suffering but this time I didn't have to clench my entire upper body to cope with the pain.
The concluding chant sounded and again it sent a wave of tingling down my spine. The pain began to subside and it gave way to feelings of happiness. I sat there for a minute afterwards unable to contain my smiling. I don't know exactly was so funny but I'm sure I gave the impression that either I had just attained satori or I had broken my brain and become a smiling idiot. My knees hurt and I was unable to walk properly for the next 10 minutes but for some reason I felt like I could go back and do it all over again. It had all felt somewhat refreshing in a mental sense.
I was beginning to wonder whether I was rewiring my brain to seek pain as a form of pleasure...
I didn't realise it at the time but this was the beginning of the first lesson I would learn during my 10 days. Knowledge by acquaintance is one of the best teachers out there. Instead of learning about external objects or ideas, I was learning about how my mind operates.
"Cool I'm just gonna take my bag and uhh go". Those are probably the exact words I said to the lady at the baggage drop at Penang international airport
