Each night we would assemble in the mini hall for a 1 1/2 hour discourse from Mr Goenka.
Mr Goenka passed away in 2013 but his legacy lives on through his Vipassana course and his dhamma video lectures from the 1970s. All the lectures are available on Youtube. but here's the first one if you were curious.
"You are to keep on working very diligently ... continuously..."
If there's anything which gives off indoctrination camp vibes it's these daily discourses. Anyone unfamiliar with the retreat who just so happened to walk into the room would see a bunch of people sitting on plastic chairs with ID numbers pegged onto the back, watching a video of an old Burmese guy from the 1970's. It's not a cult of personality and the reasoning behind the direct teachings of Mr Goenka I believe keeps things consistent without leaving room for misinterpretation or variation by teachers running the programme. - Similar to the concept of Theravada Buddhism with the sole recognition of the Pali texts.
As helpful and as motivational as they were, I still faced the fact that unless I discovered these things for myself, everything would essentially go in one ear and out the other. ( Funnily enough Mr Goenka actually mentioned this in one of his discourses - I discovered for myself later on that discovering things yourself was the only way to truly know something).
It was day 7 and so far I had been managing to stay afloat. Each day, Mr Goenka would progress onto the next stage of our practice but I had come across a roadblock. I booked an appointment with the head teacher to discuss my issues. What they were exactly is irrelevant but I remember he said that I should remain equanimous, equanimous towards everything.
I had heard this word often - perhaps a dozen times each day. Every session I was told not to feel craving or aversion. You know how someone tells you something over and over again and although you have it stuck in your mind, you never actually follow that advice? This was me.
In my own mind I was not reacting negatively to the discomfort but in practice I still held feelings of aversion. I would be sitting there writhing in agony on the inside while I sat perfectly still.
On day 8 it finally clicked and I realised my own contradictory behaviour. Being mindful applies to every moment, not just when things are going good. The real test of your understanding is when you're undergoing stress and discomfort. I realised I was not impartial at all.
I was getting frustrated at my inability to progress with my meditation practice and keep up. I would spend hours sitting there trying really hard to relax my mind and sharpen my perception. It doesn't matter what you're craving - craving is craving - this behaviour applies to everything and in wanting not to want, I had indeed been wanting. This type of thinking can drive a person into a loop of thought and the only way to break out of this is to simply act...to simply be.(Shout out to Alan Watts and his piece on outwitting the devil)
Stop 'trying' and just be.
If there was one thing that I took away from this retreat it was this. The concept is so simple and can be applied to so many of the difficulties we have in life but we often overlook it due to how simple it is. I'm not new to this idea yet I had never been placed in a situation which would really test my understanding and my ability to apply it in real life.
I realised that the discomfort was always going to be there and that trying to escape it within my mind was only going to prolong my suffering. I didn't try and 'cope' or distract myself but rather I did the opposite - I went 'into' the discomfort and acknowledged it as something which was simply happening.
From this point my perspective on my time here had changed. Rather than being something I 'had' to persevere, I began to see the facility as the perfect environment to detach ourselves from the concerns and responsibilities of the 'outside world'. I realised how conducive this environment was for the peace of mind required for starting a meditation practice. I didn't make a complete 180 degree turn in my opinion of the place. To a certain degree I was still longing for the day we would be released, however my perspective had changed enough for me to perceive these last days as a valuable opportunity which mustn't be squandered.
The last 3 days saw a fresh burst of optimism and curious speculation jump onto the scene. Not only was there the thought of being released but also how and whether I could integrate back into society after staying at an intensive meditation retreat. How would I perceive the outside world after this? Had I lost my social skills? Would my peace of mind disintegrate immediately the moment I stepped foot in Kuala Lumpur?
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