Limiting beliefs

I used to subscribe to this belief that everyone found their place in the world through dedicating huge swathes of time to a regular schedule of work (aka regular jobs), and that the people who didn't do this were basically fucked.

It's often said that the only way to see something for what it truly is, is to stand outside of it and view it as an outsider. When I look back on my lifestyle during the months and years prior to the current moment, one of the first things that springs to mind is the word 'stifled'.  I don't mean to say that it was due my physical situation at the time but rather it was the mindset that I was stuck in.  I say this now realising that I held a very narrow perspective regarding my self.

When posed with the question 'who are you?', It's one thing to respond with a well thought out, deep, clever verbal answer, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you agree with it on on a subconscious level.

You think you walk the talk but do you really?
If you say you are more than your chosen profession or job, then why was it so difficult to leave that all behind? 

The reason I say that my perspectives were narrow is because I could not imagine deviating from the established course I had somehow set up.  There's nothing wrong with choosing to dedicate a good chunk of your time towards a particular field of work but I recognise that there is a difference between really wanting to do so and acting out of fear, anxiety, or uncertainty.

In hindsight, I can see that I had set my life up to run along a nice groove but I was scared of what might happen should I take myself out of it. I couldn't imagine life outside of the groove.

What happens when you do?
What happens when you take the metaphorical train of your existence off the track?

Nihilism, depression, hedonism, poverty, religious fanaticism, drug abuse. These are all scary words and these are all things which can happen but don't necessarily have to happen.
In my opinion, when somebody cuts the lifeline and throws themselves out into the world, they can go along two general paths...

You can go down the path of least resistance, or you can make a new path. Making a new path is never easy but doing so can yield some interesting results.  All it takes is a vision and determination.

What's my vision? I'll be fucked if I know.

"Existential confusion is a powerful force"

"No thanks, that won't be necessary" I replied, in response to being asked if I would like to inspect and test the camera out before purchasing it.


In truth I didn't even know how to operate the bloody thing.
Shutter speed?
Aperture?
Fuck it I'll go for the highest one.

I walked out of Hartono Electronik like some rich guy who doesn't test out his consumer electronics on a no-returns purchase because he knows he can just buy a new one.

---

It wasn't long before constant disappointment in the quality of my phone camera images eventually culminated into 'I need a DSLR to document this shit I'm seeing'. (To be honest it was more my inadequate composition skills).

As soon as I had made up my mind I was straight outta Bali and towards the nearest city to drop a stack of cash for a tool which I didn't actually know how to operate.

My mission now, was to capture the sights of these new lands. These lands were full of interesting sights and environments, most of which are only interesting or novel to me because would be deemed illegal in New Zealand. It brought about a sense of satisfaction, in part I think due to being an active participant rather than simply being an observer. There's always a need to be doing creating or doing something. To simply observe or consume just doesn't seem to bring any sense of satisfaction but I've been thinking about whether the need to 'do something' is just an elaborate distraction.

Existential confusion is a powerful force and it will make people do things in order to make life meaningful in the absence of things like 'going to work'.

Was I successful in patching the slow leak of existential anxiety?
Sometimes I swear I can still hear the faint hissing sound but I can't tell if it's real or a hallucination.

For now I'll keep pumping the tyre up. If it sticks, it sticks; only time will tell.

---

Now I said in the last post that I would be producing a real banger of a story but now I'm sad to say that won't be the case. Unfortunately due to night shift scheduling and the high possibility of going through some intense interrogation by pimps and gang members or getting mugged and having all my gear stolen has meant I will not be venturing the streets of Chow Kit at 01:00am unless of course I am accompanied by Ross Kemp and a camera crew, or the support of the Vice production team. (And of course a camera that shoot 12800 ISO images without looking like a sandpit).

So I'm just going to slowly release some of the already existing content in small bit sized pieces.

-----

Like 'Trans America Airlines' without the Airlines or America

"Come Inside!" Xe beckoned as I walked down the dimly lit Chow Kit road.

Most of the shops had locked up for the night but I wasn't able to spot the vocal individual standing underneath the shadow of the overhang, behind the roadside power box.
It was as if the straightforward intentions of a man had been placed into a woman's body that was only 90% complete.

My struggle to find the correct exposure settings on the camera was only matched by my struggle to find the right thing to say in this awkward situation.

"Not today sorry"
(What that was supposed to mean?)

I wasn't feeling so enthusiastic about following a transgender woman with a archetypal homosexual male voice up a narrow, poorly lit concrete stairway. Who knows what goes up on in that nondescript run-down building.

---


Some alleyways are cleaner than others.
A lot of the time, they are occupied by rats, people digging through dumpsters, people sleeping on cardboard, and heroin addicts scampering around with their needles.

If there is one thing I learned tonight, it's the ever present watch of the Colonel. Open 24 hours, the  Colonel's ever-present gaze keeps this alley way clean.
KFC, safer communities together.

This was an alleyway I could go through and would go through. For some reason I decided to eat the cold, exposed chicken that had probably been sitting out in the 'outdoor ambient temperature' shelf for 8 hours. I now had less than an hour until the impact of my culinary choices would manifest itself in the form of mild stomach pain and/or liquid shit.

I haven't been taking care of myself.

I'm sitting on the balcony of a hostel in the Prawirotaman area of Yogyakarta.  The obligatory group of Germans has left the pool, presumably having gone out (or in) for the night.  (It's always a group, and you know they're always German). 

I can hear the live music from Prawirotaman street which is just a block away. I'm chilling on the bean bags, staring out at the night sky.
Although a far-cry from the bustle of Kuta in Bali, the area is packed with foreign tourists in comparison to most other places in Indonesia.

I read for a bit and then meditate. Its the first time in a long time. Perhaps the first time since leaving home.


'I haven't been taking care of myself lately' I think to myself.

And it's kind of true. Due to the constant movement and activity, I've been neglecting myself and have not set aside time to simply be. What do I mean by that?

For me, the act of 'simply being' is when you 'just sit there', with no real intention, no task to accomplish, no distraction. To simply 'be' I believe is an act which demonstrates confidence in ones self.

At the end of the day you have nothing but yourself. It's a harrowing thought but to realise this and fully accept it means that it becomes easier to stop clinging onto that which you use to stave off existential insecurities - Be this objects, people or even social status.

Relying on 'crutches' to keep yourself together will keep you stuck on a hamster wheel, constantly holding on tightly to certain things, trying not to let go despite the fact that it might not be in your best interests. Ideally we should be operating in this world from a perspective of abundance from within; an abundance which emanates from ourselves which we can give out to the world, instead of relying on the world to give it to us.

I'll be the first to admit that I do not always follow my advice but I'm getting there.