Everyone has a cock in their front yard

1/3

If Indonesia is the land where second hand smoke doesn't exist, then the Philippines is the land of cheap haircuts, really cheap alcohol, and drunken karaoke every night of the week.

At 250 PHP, this bottle of Mojitos Tequila sits at
$7.00NZD. Safer communities together.

Yes that’s right I am in the Philippines and I have been here for some time. At of the time of writing, I have been here for 14 days but due to the combination of a lack of wifi and atrocious cellphone reception coverage, I have been letting my writing responsibilities slip. (In case you were wondering, wifi hasn’t really reached the hospitality industry in Bogo).

The start of my journey began at Cebu Mactan International airport where the immigration officer sent me to the naughty corner for what felt like a really long and scary game of ‘who wants to be a millionaire’, except without the prizes or the multi choice questions. (which I wasn’t too keen on doing seeing as I’d been awake for almost 22 hours by this point)




Spending several days in Cebu city I came to realise that shit must go down here on a fairly regular basis judging by the number of shotgun armed security guards I managed to count within a 30 minute stroll. In fact the first store I visited ( a 7/11 convenience store) had one security guard outside, and one inside, behind the counter (one of them is like the bait I guess).
I didn’t actually witness anyone get shot during my time here but managed to spot one armoured car and a convoy of police vehicles carrying officers armed with assault rifles, prompting the idea that perhaps this was all just an elaborate undercover national defence plot to quell a potential Chinese invasion.

Central Cebu City

I was soon whisked away to Bogo which is probably the cultural equivalent of Rangiora to Christchruch,NZ. Bogo has a Mcdonalds but not not an H&M, just like Rangiora, however unlike Rangiora, everyone seems to have at least one dickhead rooster tethered to a pole in their yard (because apparently they’re awesome at fighting).

As this is a part of the country which isn’t a must-visit destination for overseas tourists, the culture here is very much Filipino. You won’t find fruit and vegetable smoothies here; the options are meat, sea meat, rice, and beer. The backpacker tourism industry doesn’t really exist here and it’s obvious, judging by the lack of wifi in the the several establishments I’ve been staying at so far.
The only foreigners you’ll really find here are old white guys - and clearly the reason for that is that they really like eating at Jolibee.

I have much more to say but I'll cut it off here because attention spans.

Dole Bluger Simulation

I took the ferry over from Singapore to Batam, Indonesia for a few days while I sorted myself out and planned for my next destination. Exiting the ferry terminal I quickly found myself in a familiar situation - the kind of situation where dudes will holler at you asking where you're off to. You know I could start writing about how many unsolicited offers for transport I receive per hour when I'm out in public in Indonesia and how it's probably what Tinder would be like if I were a woman but that would be a cheap shot at creating entertaining content.

Not long after arriving a caught a cold and so I spent quite a lot of time doing not a lot.
Confining yourself to your room and not talking to anybody for a while makes for quite a buzzy experience. (Bonus points if your diet consists entirely of dried snack food and takeaways delivered to your door.) I would say it's pretty close to the life of a dole bludger who smokes weed all day and never leaves the house. I can see the potential in a new tourism market niche because I'm sure there are thousands of people just dying to fly over to Indonesia basically to just watch Youtube videos and sleep all day like a manchild. You should try it some time. It'll work wonders for elevating any deep existential crises which may be lurking within the depths of your mind.

By the way I recommend buying a pack of these darts if you're in the country. Help the Indonesian economy and experience the culture. I am not sponsored by Dji Sam Soe by the way.

These are great. I can see why they banned them
in the United States.

I promise to come up with better stories in the future

I'm back

Guess where I've been hanging out for most of the day

You know that feeling when you enter a new (or not new) country and then all of a sudden you either feel really wealthy or really poor?
I've been here for 5 days already and recently I've been making a mental comparison of the various prices of things. The roti canai costs x3 more here than in Malaysia for example. I'm not going to list any more examples because I think you get the picture.

This is a country where a backpacker is no longer seen as a walking ATM.
This is a country where I have seen people trying and failing to flag down taxis.
This is a country where the government provides services and facilities for the public.
This is a country where a bed in a 24 bed dorm room still has you feeling mildly concerned about your budget.
This is a country where an outrage of modesty can potentially result in a 2 year jail sentence and a beating with a ratan cane. - while you're naked. (Not speaking from experience)


Yes, you guessed it, I am in Singapore.
Back in the land of expensive car ownership, bicycle share programs, well planned social housing, and great public transportation.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. Singapore is basically an alternate reality version of New Zealand, after rising seas levels have submerged 95% of the country and the ethnic Chinese have attained 75% of the population with the Indians coming in at 10%. The only white people left are those with outstanding skills in accounting, or the few who were randomly selected as part of the diversity initiative. Can you imagine that? You don't need to because it's already here!

As expensive as I think it is, I do have an appreciation for this highly organised and wholesome (aka highly controlled by the government) society which has grown on this small island which was once a part of Malaysia not too long ago. 

You don't have to go very far to come across huge public housing apartment towers complete with public exercise equipment, parks, food courts, and public transport. It's almost as if the government made decisions based off what the long term results would be.

During my travels so far this has been the most pleasant place to 'be', irrespective of how much money you are throwing around. I have a very tight daily budget, however I am quite surprised at how high the baseline standard of living is. I reckon the unemployed have it quite good here.

To be honest any place which has a public library, exercise equipment, a food court, footpaths, and an MRT station all within a 200m radius is a basically a low tier paradise for me at the moment. (I'm really easy to please)

(I have not been payed or forced by Singaporean authorities to write this.)

So I'm about to bring this knife onto the plane

Clearly my 'misfortunes' were a result of not throwing money into the mechanised 'Spinning Buddha' gambling machine.

 I bypassed the Air Asia self check in machines and went straight to the baggage drop with all the necessary documents in my hand. The assistant scanned the baggage tag and then the conveyor belt whisked my bag down along the line. I walked away proudly, as if everything was going to go perfectly. Today I was going to catch a flight without breaking a sweat.

I was standing in line at the immigration gates when I remembered that my blue swiss army knife was still in my backpack - my carry on backpack to be precise. By now it was too late, my check in luggage had already gone through. I passed through the immigration gate with that feeling where you know you fucked up and there's no going back.

As I approached the security scanner checkpoint I technically had two options; I could declare the knife in my bag and have a 100% chance losing it or I could just do nothing and hope they don't notice. The latter gave me a chance of success. Clearly the obvious option was to smuggle the knife through security and onto the plane - I mean who wouldn't do the same thing?

I put the bag onto the conveyor belt and walked through the security gate.

"Sir we need to scan your bag again"

The security officer ran it through the bag scanner again.

"Could you please remove your laptop and any electronics which are inside"

He then placed the bag onto a larger scanner. I could see a still image my bag on the X-Ray display. The officer conversed with one of his colleagues and pointed to the red circle centred on the knife in my bag before opening up the side pocket where in which the dangerous object was contained.

"There is a swiss knife inside this bag"

"Ahh shit yeah there is too..." I replied in a disappointed tone of voice which only a Kiwi would recognise.

"You cannot bring on the plane. We have to confiscate it".

"Ok"

I spent the next 15 minutes waiting at the departure gate trying to keep equanimous, trying not to feel like a terrorist suspect who's plan had just been thwarted.